I am so much more patient with people, and more likely to give strangers the benefit of the doubt. I remember when the wounds of grief were very new for me, I wished I could wear a sign out in public saying something like “Be Nice – I Have Been Through Hell!” I find that now I tend to treat pretty much everyone with a kinder, gentler manner–because who knows what kinds of hell they may have been through. This is probably the least surprising outcome, but it’s really noticeable. I am not saying that I was a total jerk before this, but I honestly feel that the person I am today is a kinder, more caring, more useful person than the person I was 6 months ago–and I have only my sweet baby girl to thank for that. Still, with some distance, I have made a startling realization, which is that the experience has changed me, and it has actually made me a much better person than I was before.
And finding positives in a loved one’s death can bring up feelings of guilt and doubt. In the throes of my deepest grief I never could have imagined that anything remotely good could come of her death.
Even now, I am sobbing as I write this, and I still get choked up and teary-eyed every time I think or talk about it. Words cannot describe what it feels like to lose a child. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that it was awful. And me, my husband, and my son had to figure out how to move forward without her. I had been so sure that like so many other people with scary NICU stories and now-healthy kids, that this would be a hard time we got through, but that everything would be OK, that one day she would triumphantly come home. After six days of being the sickest baby in the NICU, my baby girl died in my arms. Once she was born, it was a different story they couldn’t figure out what exactly was wrong, and nothing they tried seemed to improve her situation. The problem worsened, but the doctors were relatively confident that despite the fluid, an early delivery and some serious time in the NICU would give the medical team the chance to fix what was wrong, and the baby would pull through. The following week I was checked in to the hospital so I could be monitored around the clock. That day, the doctors found a problem with my baby’s fluid levels and wanted keep an eye on things to make sure everything progressed well. We are honored that our friend and frequent contributor Karen shared her story with us today ~ Whitney and HeatherĦ months ago, I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with my second child and having a routine checkup in what had been a mostly normal pregnancy.
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